Guilt is a wierd thing . Its one thing having another migraine day to fill in on my topamax calender ( it looks like a chequerboard , full of black and blue squares , though there was a lovely clear week recently , not sure what that was about but it was great ) but the add-on feelings of guilt are another thing altogether .
Alice and I didn't enjoy our walk today . She seems to pick up when I'm dragging , and on top of that it was windy and the wind makes her nervous . Her first week with us coincided with a windy spell and we could hardly get her out of the house . Scared of her own shadow the idea of squatting for a wee was terrifying with bits of twigs and leaves flying out of nowhere and coming at her from all angles . Now she's much braver but it doesn't take much to set her off course . It didn't help when I had a little vomiting episode out on the headland , and then sat for a while staring at the grass and wondering how I was going to make it home , my mouth dry and my legs shaky and the head pounding . But , make it home we did , and the thought of my bed full of cats and no other commitments that couldn't wait kept me going . And therein lies a tale .
As I climbed back into bed , and my head hit the pilow and the pounding was almost over due to the heavy duty pills but the sleep- need was overwhelming , I felt guilt like nothing else . Guilt that I'm ill once again . Guilt that I'm in bed rather than downstairs like normal people ( why I should give a stuff about this one I really dont know , but it always figures . )
Guilt above all else when people say to me , as they do on an almost daily basis , ok a weekly basis then
" Why do you get migraines ? "
Great question .
I wonder if its a question people get asked if they have arthritis say , or diabetes ?
I haven't a clue really . It could be hormones . It could be food intolerances . I don't eat lots of things I used to eat . It could be stress related . It could be that my brain is abnormal . It could be past head injury related . Etc .
Maybe I need to write an essay on the subject and hand it out , or refer to a website , or just say Google it . After all , I do this myself most weeks , hoping for an answer . So far I haven't found one , neither has my neurologist been able to give me one . But it was lovely when he( a fellow sufferer) said to me , smiling , " Don't you just hate it when people ask you over and over why you get them "
I wonder if he feels guilty ?
Alice and I didn't enjoy our walk today . She seems to pick up when I'm dragging , and on top of that it was windy and the wind makes her nervous . Her first week with us coincided with a windy spell and we could hardly get her out of the house . Scared of her own shadow the idea of squatting for a wee was terrifying with bits of twigs and leaves flying out of nowhere and coming at her from all angles . Now she's much braver but it doesn't take much to set her off course . It didn't help when I had a little vomiting episode out on the headland , and then sat for a while staring at the grass and wondering how I was going to make it home , my mouth dry and my legs shaky and the head pounding . But , make it home we did , and the thought of my bed full of cats and no other commitments that couldn't wait kept me going . And therein lies a tale .
As I climbed back into bed , and my head hit the pilow and the pounding was almost over due to the heavy duty pills but the sleep- need was overwhelming , I felt guilt like nothing else . Guilt that I'm ill once again . Guilt that I'm in bed rather than downstairs like normal people ( why I should give a stuff about this one I really dont know , but it always figures . )
Guilt above all else when people say to me , as they do on an almost daily basis , ok a weekly basis then
" Why do you get migraines ? "
Great question .
I wonder if its a question people get asked if they have arthritis say , or diabetes ?
I haven't a clue really . It could be hormones . It could be food intolerances . I don't eat lots of things I used to eat . It could be stress related . It could be that my brain is abnormal . It could be past head injury related . Etc .
Maybe I need to write an essay on the subject and hand it out , or refer to a website , or just say Google it . After all , I do this myself most weeks , hoping for an answer . So far I haven't found one , neither has my neurologist been able to give me one . But it was lovely when he( a fellow sufferer) said to me , smiling , " Don't you just hate it when people ask you over and over why you get them "
I wonder if he feels guilty ?
