Guilt is a wierd thing . Its one thing having another migraine day to fill in on my topamax calender ( it looks like a chequerboard , full of black and blue squares , though there was a lovely clear week recently , not sure what that was about but it was great ) but the add-on feelings of guilt are another thing altogether .
Alice and I didn't enjoy our walk today . She seems to pick up when I'm dragging , and on top of that it was windy and the wind makes her nervous . Her first week with us coincided with a windy spell and we could hardly get her out of the house . Scared of her own shadow the idea of squatting for a wee was terrifying with bits of twigs and leaves flying out of nowhere and coming at her from all angles . Now she's much braver but it doesn't take much to set her off course . It didn't help when I had a little vomiting episode out on the headland , and then sat for a while staring at the grass and wondering how I was going to make it home , my mouth dry and my legs shaky and the head pounding . But , make it home we did , and the thought of my bed full of cats and no other commitments that couldn't wait kept me going . And therein lies a tale .
As I climbed back into bed , and my head hit the pilow and the pounding was almost over due to the heavy duty pills but the sleep- need was overwhelming , I felt guilt like nothing else . Guilt that I'm ill once again . Guilt that I'm in bed rather than downstairs like normal people ( why I should give a stuff about this one I really dont know , but it always figures . )
Guilt above all else when people say to me , as they do on an almost daily basis , ok a weekly basis then
" Why do you get migraines ? "
Great question .
I wonder if its a question people get asked if they have arthritis say , or diabetes ?
I haven't a clue really . It could be hormones . It could be food intolerances . I don't eat lots of things I used to eat . It could be stress related . It could be that my brain is abnormal . It could be past head injury related . Etc .
Maybe I need to write an essay on the subject and hand it out , or refer to a website , or just say Google it . After all , I do this myself most weeks , hoping for an answer . So far I haven't found one , neither has my neurologist been able to give me one . But it was lovely when he( a fellow sufferer) said to me , smiling , " Don't you just hate it when people ask you over and over why you get them "
I wonder if he feels guilty ?
Alice and I didn't enjoy our walk today . She seems to pick up when I'm dragging , and on top of that it was windy and the wind makes her nervous . Her first week with us coincided with a windy spell and we could hardly get her out of the house . Scared of her own shadow the idea of squatting for a wee was terrifying with bits of twigs and leaves flying out of nowhere and coming at her from all angles . Now she's much braver but it doesn't take much to set her off course . It didn't help when I had a little vomiting episode out on the headland , and then sat for a while staring at the grass and wondering how I was going to make it home , my mouth dry and my legs shaky and the head pounding . But , make it home we did , and the thought of my bed full of cats and no other commitments that couldn't wait kept me going . And therein lies a tale .
As I climbed back into bed , and my head hit the pilow and the pounding was almost over due to the heavy duty pills but the sleep- need was overwhelming , I felt guilt like nothing else . Guilt that I'm ill once again . Guilt that I'm in bed rather than downstairs like normal people ( why I should give a stuff about this one I really dont know , but it always figures . )
Guilt above all else when people say to me , as they do on an almost daily basis , ok a weekly basis then
" Why do you get migraines ? "
Great question .
I wonder if its a question people get asked if they have arthritis say , or diabetes ?
I haven't a clue really . It could be hormones . It could be food intolerances . I don't eat lots of things I used to eat . It could be stress related . It could be that my brain is abnormal . It could be past head injury related . Etc .
Maybe I need to write an essay on the subject and hand it out , or refer to a website , or just say Google it . After all , I do this myself most weeks , hoping for an answer . So far I haven't found one , neither has my neurologist been able to give me one . But it was lovely when he( a fellow sufferer) said to me , smiling , " Don't you just hate it when people ask you over and over why you get them "
I wonder if he feels guilty ?
3 comments:
You can always take the Prof Irwin Corey approach. "Well, that is a two part question. The first part is 'WHY'. It would be ludicrous to try and answer a question of that breadth, which has had legions of philosophers pondering over many centuries. The second part of the question is "Do you get migraines?" YES!
I'll have to try that one !!!
I don't think I've asked you why, because I pretty much thought nobody knew exactly. But I know I have mentioned more than once that you handle it far better than I would.
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