I dream I walk past my car and a man is trying to break into it . I shout at him and he shows me he has a knife and comes close to me to threaten me and Nat with it . He is short and menacing . He forces me into the house and pushes past us and goes into the garage ( its my childhood home now , once I am in the front door ) . Nat and I stare at each other and in my dream the word Petrified comes ito my head . I am frozen . I am too scared to contain my fear and I wake .
I am calm , though terrified , my body is not reacting . My breathing is normal and my heart rate slow as ever .
It is 2 am and I cant sleep . I read Margaret Drabble The Radiant Way till 3 30 am , and my headache is not bad at that stage .
I sleep again and this time I dream the streets are flooded . I drive along the coastal path and it is flooded , people are swimming in the streets , stranded and trying to get to their destinations , and my car is mowing them down . I am about to drive right over a group of swimmers and my brakes will not function in the deep water . I am a ship . Again I can't contain the fear and I wake .
With the alarm at six forty I have a headache again . I have one CatCall which is easy , I function on automatic and switch on a tap to let the cats play in the water , which they love . They are bored with their own company so anything new entertains them .
I return home and cancel my 1 pm meeting as my head is by now throbbing , I am nauseous and driving is not safe .
My headaches have colours . Sometimes they are red , fiery flame red . At least this one feels alive . Today its the one I hate the most , the yellowy bilious green colour which makes mefeel half dead . I contemplate the knife of my dreams and the fantasy of sticking a knife into my head , to cut out the pain . It makes no sense , I know , but then nothing makes sense when you can't escape pain , when life is on hold for yet another day , which at the start of the week held so much promise .
I spend the day dozing , reading when I can , and counting my blessings that I am working less at the Day Job and not having to force myself to go in . Finally , at six thirty, Immigran starts to work . Maybe tomorrow will be better .
