And this week ....

.. things which have kept me going through it all , my lovely old fashioned coffee grinder . Even on the days when the head is particularly bad the thought of coming down to grind beans and set the machine off will get me out of bed , though the worse the head is the earlier I will rise . Poor D has become accustomed to waking to me crashing back to the bedroom with the tray loaded with his croissant and coffee ( weaker than he would make it ) and my cereal bar , at 5 45 am which is the earliest I believe I can get away with , though even if it were four I doubt that he would complain so mild mannered is he ( though I did hear a mini tantrum the other morning as the dog pushed him out of bed allegedly for the fourth time . I heard a thump as he landed and stamped off to the bathroom muttering to himself . The dog snores happily on as is her wont . Her position now as Top Dog largely unchallenged except occasionally by me she is very happy and regards life as just how she likes it .

On some days just the getting up and making breakfast and sitting up to read will lessen the pain in my head , sometimes even drive it away . On others it is not so simple .

But its always worth a try and the coffee grinder will remain a symbol of hope .

The room change has been startling . From Pink with spots to tasteful creams , all in the space of a day . The clutter clearing of a teenager's room that went before took two weekends and was a task and a half , all done now . The pictures show the room at its best , empty , though I notice a large skinny greyhound has made her way onto the bed for the tasteful shot . Wouldn't you know it ?

Early this morning two of my High Tension dreams . These have switched recently from the old "I have two exams in the morning and my lever arch files of papers ( history ) sit unopened" , and I am trying to dial a number, to call for help , on an old fashioned phone and I can't complete the dialling without my finger slipping off the dial .

The latest stress dreams seem to involve driving a car with my sister in the passenger seat and we are taking switchback bends on a scenic mountain road far too fast . I usually shout to tell her we are about to crash just as the car starts to spin and I wake .

The more scary one relating way back to my past involves a little black cocker spaniel . I am out walking , sometimes with Alice ( who is always very well behaved and could happily walk off the lead ) , and a little spaniel joins us . She is smaller than the spaniel I had in real life when I was eighteen ( until her death when I was around thirty one ) , but just as jolly . Suddenly she takes off as spaniels are prone to do , and runs out in front of a car . I watch , frozen , as she is in front of the wheels and they appear to engage with her . I stand still . Nothing I can do . The car stops and the dog runs out and on . She is alive and unharmed. The car reverses and I try to hand Alice on her lead to my sister who seems to be with me . I want to chase the spaniel and catch her and keep her safe . My sister refuses to take the lead from me and I wake . Maybe she knows something I don't , having not ten minutes earlier been almost decimated in a car crash by my good self .

Dreams ? Wierd eh ?

Morphine and Me

The respite alluded to in the last post wasn't long ( enough ), and by Sunday my head was neither slimy nor green any more . Migraine was fiery and red and throbbing and I had begun to give up all hope of managing the Day Job on Monday which was what had kept me largely away from the pain killers apart from a handful of what was rattling around in my bedside drawers and which had kept me sane since Thursday morning and indeed allowed me my weekly foray work wise into the children's secure unit and haircut/ head massage ( which may have exacerbated matters ) , and a lovely dog walk on Friday or was it Saturday .... But by Sunday enough was enough and I was at that stage of wanting to bash my head off a wall . Time to dig out the emergency doctor number or think about driving up to the hospital when I remembered a box of something morphine based I had left over from last September and my last stint in hospital .... I offer my usual warning to everyone in ear shot that I am now officially out of action for the duration mentally if not physically and try to avoid the looks which could mean anything from " You ? Youve been mentally out of action since 2006 when this all started for real " to .... well .... fill in the missing statements really . I'm not such a hot mind reader when under the influence of morphine .

I read the attendant leaflet like a good patient in case of any obvious contraindications . Somewhat sketchily really as I am seeing in duplicate and by this stage just want the stuff down my neck . Lurching back to bed I settle with a book pretending to myself I will read until the effects kick in . Its almost half a day before the head stops thumping , though the bang is less insistent and somehow more musical and altogether pleasanter and more manageable . Everything is more tolerable . In fact everything is rather lovely , as I drift off into a wonderful day trip on a pony and trap with the greyhound coming along for the ride . We are in heaven ....

Lawsy has a Slimy Greenhead ...

and mine has been green without the slime ...... I think ....

I still love reading the graffiti that people write on signposts and one of my favourites as a kid was ( as we passed through a little village / town in Northumberland called Greenhead ) "Lawsy has a slimy ( added to the top of the signpost ) Greenhead " . Another enduring favourite was a single cross bar added to the l in Shilbottle . I'll leave that one to your imagination .

But as I picture my migraines in colours , I can tell you that the reason for my lack of postings in these last few days has been due to my own green head . Yes , my head has been completely green for days , with the occasional red fire taking over .
Today was no exception , waking as I did at four am , but I seem to have a respite spell now .
Long may it last .
Something needss to change , though as yet I havent quite worked out what .
Answers on a postcard much appreciated .

CoffinCar: Yoko Ono

We go out in Coffin Car .

The hearse drives you round the city . Salutary experience as you wait to be collected . We wait on a marble seat inside the Baltic art space as our driver is delayed and at this point realise we have given no thought to how this will feel . Too late to turn back . I acknowledge that it is the three year's anniversary of Mandy's death and that when we booked our outing in Coffin Car the dates had not connected for me .

As the car pulls up slowly I flashback to earlier in the morning on the dogwalk when four hearses waited outside the roman catholic curch in the village . The doors of the hearse were still open , and the coffin was gone . The pall bearers wait at the curb side and presumably the service is going on inside the church . As I walk past with the dog the four men and one women , all dressed in black frock coats , laugh at some private joke , surprising me at the time . I expect sobriety in public , but there is no one to see except me , in my puffa jacket , and my greyhound looking curiously at them , tall thin birds , thinner than her . We pass on , to the sea , and on our return they are still there , chilled no doubt in their thin attire , without the running we have done . A long catholic Mass I think to myself . They are not laughing now . But happy enough , in their work, or so it seems .

As Deb and I climb aboard it occurs to me that I had envisaged myself seated in the back of the car , perhaps waving regally from behind a little curtain . Where exactly ? With the coffin ? I had not anticipated the coffin space , rather the funeral car I have travelled in at the funerals of my grandparents , the long car with three or four rows of seats , the lump in my throat and stomach , the shock and horror in every bit of me .

Here there are curtains screening the coffin space and we are in the front next to the driver whom in my head I name Derek though I have no idea who he is .

We have instructions not to distract him . I try not to , though squashed up so tightly next to him in his bulk it is hard not to ask a few questions . He responds that the car is a Daimler and that yes intially there were quite a lot of takers but the exhibition is almost at an end now , not so many now .

We fall silent . Deb offers mints . We pull away . The city stares at us . We stare back .

And later , Nat and I go out , into the city , for a memorial dinner , for Mandy .

Senior Moments ?

D is offering to get up first to put the coffee on but I am keen to do it myself having bought beans yesterday . I love the ritual of the grinding with the lovely old grinder acquired many years ago from a coffee emporium in Kendal and want to try to get the strength just right as yesterday's offering was way too weak .
He on the other hand wants to cook the dog's mince to perfection , thus we are both in the kitchen at 6 45 am rather than one of us snoring on whilst the other brings breakfast up .
As I fiddle about happily with the grinder and run the slightly oily beans through my fingers , he unloads the dishwasher and opens the cupboard where the cups and jugs and glasses reside , then nudges me quizzically . "What ? " I say irritably having already been disturbed by the shrieking of the guinea pigs annoyed that they are not first on the list " Can't you do it ? Ive already had to leave this to feed the pigsters ? "
" No" he says and nudges me again pointing into the cupboard . And there , nestling hard against the cups , in the tight corner near the art deco mugs reserved for Auntie Laura's plain white cup ( the one she likes her tea from ) , stands the half used litre pack of semi skimmed milk . Someone has mistaken the cupboard for the fridge .

" Well fancy that " I say , a tad shaken . " I wonder who put that there , and then , recovering fast ..... " If that were me who had done that , I'd be kind of starting to worry about myself D, why not pop yourself along to see the doctor about pre senile dementia next time you're passing ? " .
" Hmph " he said .

Later I dress in a hurry and call on two sets of cats en route for a swim .
At the second CatCall I notice an odd lump at the back of my knee , about the size of a squashy ping pong ball , but am too busy dealing with bird feeders and such like to worry about it . I itch the lump and wonder fleetingly what it is . The cats are all friendly and chatty and don't seem bothered by it , so I assume its not malignant .

Half an hour later as I try to wriggle out of my tight skinny jeans at the pool ( too tight , under the circumstances ) I wonder if I have under estimated my size when I bought them a couple of weeks ago . They seem especially narrow on the legs . It is at this point I recall the lump behind the knee , and discover , to my horror , that yesterday's underwear are still situated down the leg .. argh ... it is Joanna Lumley all over again in Absolutely Fabulous but of course without the amazing cheekbones or the voice ... or well , without any of her attributes really .
I glance round wondering whether anyone has noticed but the gym- types are all far too busy looking in the mirror , applying make up , or spraying on their lycra to notice my whacking great faux pas and I wonder , is this what is meant by a Senior Moment ? Because obviously its my first and it will probably be ages before I have another ( yeah right . )
Though come to think of it , what did I do with those extra knickers ? Now there's a question ?

Lebeado, Jesmond

First , Nat has money to spend and we visit Lebeado , a magical sweetie shop dedicated to the bead and jewellery lover . Beads from all over the world line the shelves in gorgeous pots all beautifully labelled . A mosaic table in the middle of the shop is set out for customers to select their pots of beads , place them in the patterns they want , and then string them up . On Tuesday I watched as Nat designed and made a very colourful bracelet and also bought a ready made Pandora style charm bracelet . Today we returned as she had been given money by her Grandma in Belfast ( and her bracelets had been the subject of much fascination during her stay there the previous two days ) , and she made a further two . And , after sitting watching for fifteen minutes , I decided to have a go myself .... Go for it mum she said ... but half an hour later I wondered if she was quite so keen as I had chopped and changed my mind about mine six or seven times . She was however patience itself and keen for me to get it right and as I wanted it rather than rush to finish .

I have a feeling we will be back .

Moo?

I know .. that's a bull and the noise they make is more of a Blare than a Moo but his picture was far more impressive than any of the Cow pictures I have to hand and I'm ever loathe to just lift one off the clipboard or whatever it is people do . I much prefer to trawl through my own box of delights even if they're in storage disarray that it takes me half the afternoon when I could have been reading the paper , writing my novel or simply catching up on a cheese scone . And yes thanks I do know that putting my photos neatly onto a memory stick would tidy them all up and speed the laptop up beyond my wildest expectations never mind dealing with something called Crap which personally I thought I had got the measure of these days what with those little bags and the dog having almost learned about Mr Whippys being best deposited outside on the grass rather than bang in the middle of the pale sitting room carpet or ( even better ) on the Design Rug in D's office square on in front of his desk .

Moving on , the moo is all about today's festive mood it being half term and the end of the working week and all that , and having had some cancellations at the Day Job I slipped off a little early having taken some leave and sitting in a car park in town decided to fiddle about with the new sat nav which D bought me to replace the old -model- long -obsolete ( by virtue of the fact that each year it cost as much to update as a new model would to buy . Indeed not just to update but to permit use of .....Including a telephone call to Germany to re-boot or whatever is the correct terminology , the installation of various new CD s into a machine in the back of the car which almost caused a hernia and a broken fingernail on each occasion . And , given that the car in which it was installed is just about obselete I concluded that nah , it just wasn't worth the annual upgrade fee . )

The new satnav as all of you technical bods will know , includes many a fun feature , including a variety of funny noises to alert one to the approach of passing points of interest . Those of you who know me well will recognise my infantile interest in the funny noise , indeed the variety on offer was less than extensive ( my brother for example has a more compelling catalogue on his personal voice recorder , 72 at the latest count but this is not to be encouraged and possibly should not be noted here as one understands his partner is not aware of the collection ) but I did manage to add a Moo for each restaurant approached and a loud bzz and cuckoo affair for every open car parking facility which will come in handy when I am touring in the mornings looking for a parking space . Theoretically at least . I have a feeling that unless I download the Updated Traffic Information Option at x pounds forty two per month the cuckoo will not tell me that the car parks are full except for the disabled spaces or the ones that the traffic wardens are standing in , clipboards at the ready and pens poised . There is after all a credit crunch affecting us all .

Now I just have to get my head round Twitter ?