Yesterday's Valentine message ?

Spotted by D and photographed on the beach early yesterday morning ...early Valentine 's message perhaps ?

"Tu me manques toujours . Je t'aime toujours au revoir ma belle amie S xx "

Fluxus and Yoko Ono at the Baltic ....(I wish I deserved a wish )

I was headaching in a minor way much of the night , such that at two am I took Ibuprofen and fell into a blissful sleep . At five I woke , headache free , but done with sleep and watched as the dog rolled over onto her back and stuck her long skinny legs straight up into the air like a dead beetle , her blue and green tartan blanket wrapped round her tummy like a disposable nappy . How come this dog is asleep on the bed without a care in the world , whilst me and three cats look on anxiously unable to sleep ? Why not ?

I find my book , Ali something , Smith ? Accidental something . ? ( It turns out to be Ali Smith "The Accidental " )Accidental what ? is this the first sign of something , that I cannot recall the title of the book I am almost finished ? ( How can you tell I watched a programme about Alzheimers last night documenting Terry Pratchett's investigations into his own decline and his rather upbeat look towards his future . His personal assistant seemed rather bleaker about the whole matter though why this should be was not clear . ). I find my book and read for an hour or so before setting out on my morning routines of coffee making , guinea pig feeding , cat tending , and dishwasher duties before taking the breakfast tray back upstairs at 6 45 . D is still asleep as is Dog . The cats are at the edges of the bed and Kitty is waiting for her breakfast as close to the food bowls as she can get without sitting in them.

Today is the day for seeing art ( Fluxus , as well as the Yoko Ono , second visit ) at the Baltic , but as I am scurrying about getting ready the snow starts to arrive and by the time we are ready to leave the roads are covered and fat flakes are falling fast . Deb's friend Sally Madge has been commissioned to perform new work inspired by " The Dream of Fluxus " and this takes place in one of the galleries .

Fluxus ( I discovered ) is a global network of influential and vibrant artists who aspire to revolutionise the avant garde . Through introducing concept art , mail art and radical performance practices , Fluxus pioneered an " aesthetic appreciation for the everyday " .

Sally has on a cleaner's overall on top of her arty outfit and encourages a group of students to climb up her ladders and borrow her feather duster and do a bit of cleaning around the gallery , paying particular attention to the "bottoms wallpaper " and the students are well up for this , climbing the ladders and feeling the dusters up and fiddling with the feathers whilst Deb and I look on from behind a painting of a Fluxus Meditteranean Island and wonder if it is time for our next coffee stop . We are thrilled however with our Fluxuswork badges which we apply to our heavy duty coats , first peeling off our layers of scarves gloves and pashminas . The snow is heavy and we are receiving texts from home urging caution .

We skip round the Yoko Ono exhibits and I look again at the beautiful wish tree .

Someone ( I picture a man ) has written on his label " I wish I deserved a wish " and I want to write on the back Everyone deserves a Wish . I don't of course ( write on it ). The Buddhist in me tells me that this is his journey not mine and for him to work out , not for me .

Someone else ... " I wish I had a pony with the features of Nigella " . I nudge Debbie and laugh till I have to walk away from the exhibit . Later I say Do you think that was a bit kinky ?

Later , when driving home in the driving snow I figure that though I pictured a man feeling undeserving of the wish , it is more likely to be a woman . Or a girl ? We know from crime statistics that men commit more eg violent crime than women , but I believe that women carry more guilt than men for their misdemeanours ? So more likely that a woman would feel she didnt deserve a wish than a man ? Who knows ?

What do you think ?

Meanwhile its still snowing and Debbie and I have ( almost) booked to go out in the Yoko Ono Coffin Car ..... a hearse that rides around the city .

Snow on the beach ...

Snow on the beach this morning ... Alice limps home with snow impacted between her toes and takes out her irritation with heavy growling at a weimeraner voiding in her spot in front of the house , then retires to the sofa to thaw out .

Meanwhile I head to the wine bar for soup and coffee. Its a life .

Has it come to this ?

Earlier this week one of my colleagues was admitted to hospital unexpectedly and as a fabulous arrangement of blooms had been delivered to the office for her I called at the hospital on a mission to find her on Tuesday evening .

I had been given two ward numbers and knew she was on a cardiology unit so armed with this information set off after calling at home to eat and attempt to restore myself a little after a long and emotive day , calling at the bookstore en route for a couple of magazines by way of an offering .

Finally , the first hurdle on this freezing night , temperatures at minus three degrees , the parking barrier machine sign said " season ticket cards ony " . I sighed to myself and pressed the Call Help buzzer and asked the Voice " Does this message about season tickets mean I have to reverse out again into the main road here ? " and a very helpful voice said back No madam , you will see that the barrier is up . The message means that our parking machines are broken . Therefore we can't charge you so its our way of telling you that parking is free tonight " " Oh " I squeaked , in glee , Thank you and drove on . From then on it was downhill most of the way .

I lugged the flowers in their fabulous box with the turned back cardboard corners which looked so good and probably held a week's supply of water and were doubtless designed to show off this fragrant bouquet to best advantage .

But not designed for carrying by frozen fingers also struggling with bag of magazines , cards , and Per Una handbag ( heavy ) in icy winds . Down the long corridors I tottered , stopping occasionally to rebalance myself , eventually arriving outside one of the possible wards which had been suggested .
The note on the door, hand written , looked ominous . Do not enter without permission . Gastro- intestinal infection . I pressed the buzzer . Waited . Nothing . Pressed again . Waited . Nil . After ten minutes a couple arrived at the door from inside . I decided to chance my arm as clearly no one was appearing to admit me . " Do you think you could let me in ? " I ask " I can't seem to raise any staff ! "
" Staff ! " said the man smiling and letting me through . " You should be so lucky ! Reception desk down at the bottom but you 're not likely to see anyone . Good luck ! "

I walk slowly down the ward trying not to glance into side rooms as I go . I can see flashes of flesh as I pass by and it disturbs me .

The patients all look very ill and no sign of my colleague . Nor of a staff member come to that . I wait at reception . There is no bell so I stand , shifting from one foot to another . The flowers are weighing heavy .
From here I am clearly visible to several patients in bed and seated in chairs by their beds .
At least three of them are moaning loudly , sounding in extreme distress though it is hard to discern whether this is physical or mental .
I try hard not to look at them , not wanting to engage with what seems like very private pain .

Also , and I admit it , I have been engaging with pain all day , in my Day Job and it would be all too easy to become sucked into this world too .

One of the voices rises above the others , impossible to ignore . " For pity's sake leave me alone and stop taking my clothes off . Ive asked you to stop and I'm imloring you now to leave me alone .... "

I turn round thinking I have to intervene and see that the lady who is speaking is indeed quite alone . No one is near her , and she is addressing no one in particular . She does not even appear to be particularly distressed , though her voice would suggest different .

Her next door neighbour senses my consternation and beckons me closer to ask who I am looking for . I ask if she knows where the staff are and she chuckles in amusement . "No pet , now that I can't help you with ! We don't see many nurses here , they are so terribly busy . "
Meanwhile a man writhing in a side room comes dangerously close to the edge of his bed . I turn away , knowing it is not appropriate for me to engage with his semi nakedness and afraid of what will happen next .....

Where am I ? I feel I am in some former life , some place I have not contemplated before except in textbooks about Bedlam and institutions which are long gone . I want to run yet I need to find P ..... I dread to think how she will be coping here .....

And there suddenly walking brightly and briskly along the corridors are two nurses , smiling and helpful . I want to faint with relief .
I want to shout at them about all their neglected patients ( why are you smiling and laughing whilst there are people here who need help ? ) yet I know from their attitute to me which is helpful and solicitous ( my friend is not on their ward and they go out of their way to ring other wards until she is located on another High Tech unit, and to make sure I know how to find my way there , which is not straightforward), that they are clearly overworked and just doing their level best .

I set off on the next leg of my journey , stoping to compose myself again on the way .

And , after all that , flowers , would you believe , are not allowed on the coronary care unit ! And maybe not anywhere in hospitals now , due to risk of infection , I don't know ?

But for all the alien High Tech atmosphere of a high dependency unit with its machines monitors and drips , at least when I got there , there were Human Beings in evidence to back up the machines .
Give me that any day over the seething mass of patients apparently left to fend for themselves when they so patently cannot . It was scary .

Snow at last ...

Snow at last !



As we retired last night , just as I climbed aboard the water bed , the first flurries began and it wasnt long before Dog bounded up the stairs and flopped down and N arrived to point out that there was snow visible on all sides . The excitement after the long wait .. even the cats were watching in fascination . The scene changed every ten minutes or so , from hail to sleet to rain and back to satisfying fat flakes . I read for as long as ever I could not wanting to miss as moment of it and yet also dying to see how it would turn out this morning .

I finally dozed and woke to find myself propped over my book ( something about an Oxford murder ) and the snow still coming down thick and fast .

At five am there seemed to be quite a blanket over the outside world . Alice declined any suggestion of an early breakfast and I assume stayed in bed until mid morning .

The rest of us went about our business bundled up in everything we could find ..... and the above picture shows my sister Laura's snowman , winking at us . While the rest of us were working and schooling , she and hers were confined to the farm by the weather , and the closed schools and the tiny winding country lanes made impassable by the ice and snow and we were jealous and yet happy all at once thinking of them in their Winter Wonderland , throwing logs on the aga and building a snowman and shovelling snow and playing generally as you do when you can't do much else and you have to keep warm .

What will tomorrow bring ?

Still no snow ....

No snow yet , though a large pot of hot and spicy cauliflower and potato curry has been produced just in case .... best to take no chances .

Severe Weather Warning ...

These snow pictures were taken on 4th December the first near our house and the second overlooking the sea where we walk Alice most days .

The severe weather warning on Metcheck suggests more snow will be arriving on Monday , coming from Russia . Today the temperatures are at 6degrees but its so windy that that the dog was prancing like a pony and quite unable to enjoy her walk . The noise of the wind and attendant bangings outside make her nervous and she attempts to nip off home at every corner . Suits me as its still cold out there , I'm still suffering the after effects of a drugged up week and a half and another day catching up at home is not without its attractions . I'm completely caught up in Lionel Shriver "The Post Birthday World" .