Has it come to this ?

Earlier this week one of my colleagues was admitted to hospital unexpectedly and as a fabulous arrangement of blooms had been delivered to the office for her I called at the hospital on a mission to find her on Tuesday evening .

I had been given two ward numbers and knew she was on a cardiology unit so armed with this information set off after calling at home to eat and attempt to restore myself a little after a long and emotive day , calling at the bookstore en route for a couple of magazines by way of an offering .

Finally , the first hurdle on this freezing night , temperatures at minus three degrees , the parking barrier machine sign said " season ticket cards ony " . I sighed to myself and pressed the Call Help buzzer and asked the Voice " Does this message about season tickets mean I have to reverse out again into the main road here ? " and a very helpful voice said back No madam , you will see that the barrier is up . The message means that our parking machines are broken . Therefore we can't charge you so its our way of telling you that parking is free tonight " " Oh " I squeaked , in glee , Thank you and drove on . From then on it was downhill most of the way .

I lugged the flowers in their fabulous box with the turned back cardboard corners which looked so good and probably held a week's supply of water and were doubtless designed to show off this fragrant bouquet to best advantage .

But not designed for carrying by frozen fingers also struggling with bag of magazines , cards , and Per Una handbag ( heavy ) in icy winds . Down the long corridors I tottered , stopping occasionally to rebalance myself , eventually arriving outside one of the possible wards which had been suggested .
The note on the door, hand written , looked ominous . Do not enter without permission . Gastro- intestinal infection . I pressed the buzzer . Waited . Nothing . Pressed again . Waited . Nil . After ten minutes a couple arrived at the door from inside . I decided to chance my arm as clearly no one was appearing to admit me . " Do you think you could let me in ? " I ask " I can't seem to raise any staff ! "
" Staff ! " said the man smiling and letting me through . " You should be so lucky ! Reception desk down at the bottom but you 're not likely to see anyone . Good luck ! "

I walk slowly down the ward trying not to glance into side rooms as I go . I can see flashes of flesh as I pass by and it disturbs me .

The patients all look very ill and no sign of my colleague . Nor of a staff member come to that . I wait at reception . There is no bell so I stand , shifting from one foot to another . The flowers are weighing heavy .
From here I am clearly visible to several patients in bed and seated in chairs by their beds .
At least three of them are moaning loudly , sounding in extreme distress though it is hard to discern whether this is physical or mental .
I try hard not to look at them , not wanting to engage with what seems like very private pain .

Also , and I admit it , I have been engaging with pain all day , in my Day Job and it would be all too easy to become sucked into this world too .

One of the voices rises above the others , impossible to ignore . " For pity's sake leave me alone and stop taking my clothes off . Ive asked you to stop and I'm imloring you now to leave me alone .... "

I turn round thinking I have to intervene and see that the lady who is speaking is indeed quite alone . No one is near her , and she is addressing no one in particular . She does not even appear to be particularly distressed , though her voice would suggest different .

Her next door neighbour senses my consternation and beckons me closer to ask who I am looking for . I ask if she knows where the staff are and she chuckles in amusement . "No pet , now that I can't help you with ! We don't see many nurses here , they are so terribly busy . "
Meanwhile a man writhing in a side room comes dangerously close to the edge of his bed . I turn away , knowing it is not appropriate for me to engage with his semi nakedness and afraid of what will happen next .....

Where am I ? I feel I am in some former life , some place I have not contemplated before except in textbooks about Bedlam and institutions which are long gone . I want to run yet I need to find P ..... I dread to think how she will be coping here .....

And there suddenly walking brightly and briskly along the corridors are two nurses , smiling and helpful . I want to faint with relief .
I want to shout at them about all their neglected patients ( why are you smiling and laughing whilst there are people here who need help ? ) yet I know from their attitute to me which is helpful and solicitous ( my friend is not on their ward and they go out of their way to ring other wards until she is located on another High Tech unit, and to make sure I know how to find my way there , which is not straightforward), that they are clearly overworked and just doing their level best .

I set off on the next leg of my journey , stoping to compose myself again on the way .

And , after all that , flowers , would you believe , are not allowed on the coronary care unit ! And maybe not anywhere in hospitals now , due to risk of infection , I don't know ?

But for all the alien High Tech atmosphere of a high dependency unit with its machines monitors and drips , at least when I got there , there were Human Beings in evidence to back up the machines .
Give me that any day over the seething mass of patients apparently left to fend for themselves when they so patently cannot . It was scary .

Snow at last ...

Snow at last !



As we retired last night , just as I climbed aboard the water bed , the first flurries began and it wasnt long before Dog bounded up the stairs and flopped down and N arrived to point out that there was snow visible on all sides . The excitement after the long wait .. even the cats were watching in fascination . The scene changed every ten minutes or so , from hail to sleet to rain and back to satisfying fat flakes . I read for as long as ever I could not wanting to miss as moment of it and yet also dying to see how it would turn out this morning .

I finally dozed and woke to find myself propped over my book ( something about an Oxford murder ) and the snow still coming down thick and fast .

At five am there seemed to be quite a blanket over the outside world . Alice declined any suggestion of an early breakfast and I assume stayed in bed until mid morning .

The rest of us went about our business bundled up in everything we could find ..... and the above picture shows my sister Laura's snowman , winking at us . While the rest of us were working and schooling , she and hers were confined to the farm by the weather , and the closed schools and the tiny winding country lanes made impassable by the ice and snow and we were jealous and yet happy all at once thinking of them in their Winter Wonderland , throwing logs on the aga and building a snowman and shovelling snow and playing generally as you do when you can't do much else and you have to keep warm .

What will tomorrow bring ?

Still no snow ....

No snow yet , though a large pot of hot and spicy cauliflower and potato curry has been produced just in case .... best to take no chances .

Severe Weather Warning ...

These snow pictures were taken on 4th December the first near our house and the second overlooking the sea where we walk Alice most days .

The severe weather warning on Metcheck suggests more snow will be arriving on Monday , coming from Russia . Today the temperatures are at 6degrees but its so windy that that the dog was prancing like a pony and quite unable to enjoy her walk . The noise of the wind and attendant bangings outside make her nervous and she attempts to nip off home at every corner . Suits me as its still cold out there , I'm still suffering the after effects of a drugged up week and a half and another day catching up at home is not without its attractions . I'm completely caught up in Lionel Shriver "The Post Birthday World" .

I wish ...

I wish I didn't have migraines .
I wish a lot of things weren't the way they are . But , since they are , its good to have this photograph of Brinkburn Priory from last year . To look through this window and picture stepping out onto this lawn again later this Spring when the cold has gone and the head is clear and the pressure is less and .....watch the dog flying about and hope the English heritage man doesn't catch us .

Mr F will enlarge here if you want to see him in the water . Brrr ! Brave man !

Is your daughter allowed to swear ?

Today most of my plans have been cancelled due to a sickness / achey joints thing that has been creeping up for a day or two .

My CatCalling done and the dog walked , I settle back into the armchair in an array of comfort-clothes, namely my skinny jeans now baggy due to weight loss ( ha! not that I'm boasting and I am well aware that this is fragile and could change at any moment ) , a silk camisole now settling somewhat lower on the torso than it should , due to different aspects of the above ( the semi disappearance of the chest ) a striped cashmere sweater ( no issues apart from a large darn under the arms ) and a zipped up puffa waistcoat . Makes a change from the Lush pj bottoms and the bravissimo top and soft downy plush bathrobe with giraffe spots in brown and cream : a pile of newspapers to hand and a pot of lapsang souchong tea at the ready .

I have time . There are no pressures . I can take a slow chug through the travel section and enjoy at my leisure Tim Dowling's family ski ing trip in St Moritz. It will be as if I were away myself , and if ski ing does not take my fancy today , already having spotted Mr Fit- and -Eighty -if-he's-a-Day throwing himself into the icy waves on King Edward's Bay , and indeed photographed the moment for your amusement , then maybe Haneif Kureishi's trip with his son to Venice may be more my thing until at least my own fingertips have de-iced, and who would blame me ?

(Click to see Mr F in the water )

But .... and here's the thing , Tim Dowling is funny and relevant wherever he is and today he is talking about his boys ;

"The exhileration of the first day ( on the slopes ) ..is slightly tarnished by the walk back to the ski hire shop , listening to my children swearing behind me " and my heart leaps .

Tim , you are so on my wave length !

Though I failed to mention it earlier this week , I had a mobile phone adventure towards the end of the Grace Jones gig , when my new touch screen phone was located behind my seat at the Sage and handed back to me by a kind stranger . It had parted company with its back but as we were all filing out at this point I stuffed it in its entirety into my coat pocket only realising later that the sim card was missing .

Return to Hall One was necessary , scrabbling behind seats was done , to no avail , and the Sage engineers continued to dismantle Ms Jones's hydraulic platform in peace .

Meanwhile my phone was behaving most strangely . It no longer appeared to believe that its sim card was missing but instead was intent on making calls , to my local out of hours emergency doctors service and nothing I said or did would stop it . ( Touch phones , you have to hand it to them , once on a roll there is no stopping them ! ) The doctors were understanding . I was mortified . After them it rang a professional contact of mine . Argh ! At almost midnight . Not good . I finally managed to move it on so that if it rang anyone it would be my daughter's friend , so that I could ask her advice ..she has the same phone .

A text arrived from N telling me about her evening . She had had cider spilled on her by a large lady at the Pussycat Dolls and her description of the event contained a colourful expletive .

" Oh " said my friend curiously , trying to help me with the management of this evil phone which was completely beyond my control at this point . " Is your daughter allowed to swear ? "

There is really no answer to this .

It is the same question as " are your pets allowed on the soft furnishings " .

Kitty ( above ) was wondering the same thing about Greyhounds . Background detritus reflects onset of flu like symptoms . That's my story and I'm sticking to it . Usually D would not allow said detritus . Flu like symptoms largely his .