Strange Days

Strange Days , these last ones . The day job was dominated by an air of expectation on Wednesday morning . I had convinced myself that A would survive as she had kept going through two nights of surgery . I was unable to grasp that someone of her age , with two children , could not survive .

But on Wednesday morning we got a message through that she died the previous night .
It was like that moment in the middle of Winter when the snow starts falling outside and everyone looks out and there is a hushed silence , a sense of awful wonder and amazement that this has happened . We all know snow , we see it , we either love it or hate it but each time its there , its new and we all look at it with a fascination . And it brings an odd , eerie silence with it .

That's how it was .
Only there is nothing wonderful about death .

We spoke to each other , we decided things that needed to be done , but it was all new . Every one of us there has been bereaved , we all know this place , where it takes us , yet each new journey into loss is different .

Then , the news that one of our other colleagues who has had a chest infection for three weeks and has been home , has been diagnosed as possibly having TB .

At four fifteen I left the office , before time but with a pile of work to do at the weekend .
This was the first day both D and I had been out together and Nat was going in to walk the dog herself after school .

As I drove my phone rang , N on the phone in tears saying the dog was attacking her and she was frightened . I asked what she meant and she said the dog was over excited , would not calm down and was growling and scaring her . I was very close to home so told her to get out of the house straight away , pick up her mobile and her keys and go out into the front away from the dog and I would be home in two minutes .
I was stopped at every red light , rang her while at one and she said she was sitting in the porch .
And when I got there , there she was , looking small and lost , and near her , a spider . N is not a fan of spiders . But I guess the spider was less of a threat than a marauding dog .

I listened whilst she told me what had happened . Alice had been out with her for a walk then on their return she had got very bouncy , jumping from sofa to chair and when N told her to calm down she started pushing N around , paws up on her arms and coming at her from behind . She had growled and frightened her beyond belief , so much so that she couldnt move .
We agreed that Alice is a pack animal and was probably trying to work out her place in the pecking order and that she thought she might come higher up than N .
That it was important she saw that she had made a mistake and that N was boss over her . N agreed that she wanted to go in , so we approached her and I encouraged N to do what I had seen dog trainers ( and our neighbour Sam do with her dog recently ) , make her lie flat down and realise we were boss . We told her in no uncertain terms that we were in charge and she would not behave like this . N was great , very brave after she had been scared and we talked about whether we could keep Alice , though I was clear that I thought we could manage this and N was clear that she loves Alice and if she had known what to do she would have been ok .

Alice responded well , was affectionate to N again , calm and silly . Its hard to imagine that she had been so over bearing but on a couple of occasions she has been like this with me and has responded immediately when Ive spoken to her and told her to calm down .
I rang our neighbour who had agreed to walk her at lunch time and she had had no problems at all . Alice had been calm and friendly with her . I guess ed my theory about the pecking order was probably right and my sister has often talked about how their dog regards her partner Peter as Top Banana , with the boys in the family coming next , then Laura at the bottom of the pile .
Ive seen this in action myself as Grommet( who is a terrier) has a party trick. If you leave a ten
pound note sticking out of your pocket Grommet will slide it out and trot over to Peter and quietly present him with the booty . If Peter isn't present it goes to George , then Harvey comes next . Laura rarely gets a look in , even though she both walks and feeds him .

Since then peace is restored on the home front .
Alice s future is safe with us . She has worked out our routines mostly and the puddles have stopped ( three in total in fifteen days is probably not bad ). She has made an effort to ingratiate herself with N ( going up to her in the kitchen and leaning up against her , staring at her and generally being a loving dog again ) .

As for things elsewhere , they cant be other than dire .

She died .

A colleague at the day job has been missing for a couple of days . He works on another site so I dont know him that well . I heard yesterday that his partner went into hospital for a routine operation ( very minor as far as I can make out , the sort where I imagine she would have been thinking shall I even bother to have this done ? Oh well I ll be fine by Christmas if I get it done now ) , had the op , got an infection and is now in intensive care , organs failing , he has been told she may not survive .
She s in her mid forties I would guess , two children , dont know if she got a hospital type infection or it was something else . I've met her several times as she works in the same business . No words really .

On a mission

Im now on a mission for find the perfect dog walking shoes or ( preferably boots ) . Having walked for years on boots with a heel I now find it very counterproductive to walk any distance on flat shoes . Trainers are no good at all and recently after just twenty minutes on the gym treadmill ( the before Alice experience ) I had aching calves and wa s out of action except at a hobble, for a couplf of days .
Having experimented with some cheap flat sheepskin boots ( too flat , no support , too hopeless for words ) , Ive been wearing my Office ankle boots in black suede Office Shoes - Ankle Boots for her - Office (W) - JADA PIXIE BOOT GREY MICROFIand with silver buckles which both look good and feel great , purchased on recent trip to Edinburgh and desinged to get me through a day of teenage shopping and sightseeing ( more of the former than the latter , a challenge for the footsore ) . But theyre not much good on the beaches and in the mud and will be hopeless once we get real rain or real snow come to that .
Laura , sister with a shoe fetish rivalled only by that of Nathalia , has been texting with suggestions eg Clarks , M and S Footglove . I know it makes sense but I want to curl my lip in dismay .
But now shes talking .
Paddock Boots .
I had never heard of these delicious creatures , but they are waterproof , have a small heal and , oh joy oh bliss , are fabulously expensive and thus much more impossible and therefore covetable .

I'm on a mission .
Watch this space .

Has she gone yet ?

Pearl checking through the stair rails .. have you lot got rid of that dog yet ? Is it safe for me to come down ?

This afternoon the three Birmans storm D s room and his desk , all three competing for space in a " B.....r the Dog ! " attitude .

Meanwhile Alice gets naughtier , piling shoes and slippers onto her bed , opening up the brabantia bin overnight ( I heard it wheeze slowly open in my sleep but was too whacked to come down to investigate ) and puddling on the floor despite a last walk (as always) near to midnight .

But doesn't she ( still ) look angelic ?

Freddie Wills

I started writing this blog back in spring of this year when I was ill and off work and almost unable to get out of bed with all my chest problems . I was there for what seemed like weeks and had no idea how it was all going to turn out . ( Transpired I was probably reacting to Topimirate , an epilepsy drug I was taking , and the coughing I did resulted in me having broken 4 ribs hence the extreme pain in my chest , difficulty ,moving comfortably etc ) .

I read a letter in The Times from Tim Wills about blogging and the fact that he was blogging about his baby son Fred who was in hospital in Bristol with leukaemia . Like many others I logged onto the blog and was hooked . In fact reading Tim s daily life gave mine a focus and I was even brave enough to leave a comment at one stage , and delighted to receive an e mail back from Tim .

Tim was basically telling Fred's story until ( and a little beyond) May , including telling us all the heartbreaking news that Fred wasn't going to get better . Like many others I followed the blog until Tim stopped writing and it was this which inspired me to write my own blog .

Today Ive heard the news that Tim is abseiling in Dec to raise money for Clic Sargent ,and in Fred s memory , the organisation that offered Tim and Rachel accommodation during the time they were at Bristol hospital and away from their home . Clic Sargent was mentioned often in Tim s blog and coincidentally a good friend of mine Ali has recently started to work for them , working directly with children with cancer .

Justgiving - Tim's fund raising page
I'm including a link to Tim 's fundraising page if anyone wants to make a donation .
I only have to look over the side of a building or say the word abseil to go weak at the knees so Tim has my great admiration , as ever .

early start

An early start today . I was excited about the Stephen Poliakoff drama on bbc 2 last night but the start of a migraine meant I took off to bed at 7 30 hoping some pills would fix me up for 9pm . I did come down and sit propped in front of it for about ten minutes but after realising I was staring at a woman in a posh Poliakoff house with three large dalmatians who was monologuing at me and that I really had no clue what she was on about , I took myself back to bed and blissful sleep .
I hate having migraines but sometimes when youve taken the pills and your bed is warm and full of soft furry cats and you have no real responsibilities and there is someone there who knows how to operate the video recorder ( Ive never learned with our latest model ) , then it can be a delight just to succumb and accept you have to do this as you sink in and the cats start up their purring .

So 4 am I was awake and worried that Alice may need to be out . She is scared of the dark and makes a brief foray into the yard when commanded but she really has no intention of taking a chance and squatting in case a bogeyman jumps out at her . I make tea and collect a wholemeal bran biscuit with lemon curd and start back upstairs to Mr Golightley . Im taking ages to read this , I think Ive worked out who he is now , one of those vooks you have to savour .

Then 6 45 and up again to take Alice to the park . She is out for a run when Holly and Polly two large black creatures intercept her run and she scarpers in terror . Always though she escapes the pursuers ( she has so far out run every dog ) then she comes back to look for us . I guess it helps that upon every return she gets a biscuit .

I do catcalls and wonders , little Amber has returned and is safely inside and has eaten two pouches . Then , back to bed with the papers before another walk to the Priory at twelve .

Alice is much calmer this her second weekend with us .
The cats are still considering their verdict .